It's Empty
by Skittows
Summary: "It's empty." Archer replied with dead fish eyes. "What is?" Gilgamesh was just about to close his door when it got barred by Archer's foot. "My whitening lotion." AU Crack T for Language. One-shot.


**Author's Note**

_Okay guys! This is the first time for me to write a Fate series fic! I do hope you I this rather OOC story! It would be great if you leave a review to tell me what you think about it! _

_I do not own the Fate series or its characters. Those belong to their rightful owner. I only own the following story._

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Gilgamesh opened his door and he found himself glaring at his brown buddy Archer, and from the looks of it, he's probably at Gilgamesh's front door for something other than raving to high pitched auto-tuned voices in their nude.

"What do you want?" asked Gilgamesh in a slightly annoyed way.

There was a pause.

"It's empty." Archer replied with dead fish eyes.

"What is?" Gilgamesh was just about to close his door when it got barred by Archer's boot.

"My whitening lotion."

That was enough reason for Gilgamesh to stop the closing of his front door. He then stared at Archer before bursting into laughter.

Archer stared at him. "You think being brown to the point of desperation is a game?!"

"No, no. It's funny how you come to me for the lotion."

"But you were the one who gave me a bottle for Christmas, so I figured you still have some."

"I don't."

The door was closed and Archer heard all of his 3 locks click into place. "Great." Archer sighed.

Suddenly, Gilgamesh remembered where he got the lotion in the first place. The door slammed back open, which surprised Archer, but brought joy to him at the same time.

"Did you find some lotion?!" he asked ecstatically.

"No. But I do know where to find some. For free."

And the two were off to the only other person Gilgamesh knew that had whitening lotion. Saber's.

"Don't tell me. We're going to Saber's aren't we?" Archer sighed.

"Correct!" the blond snapped his fingers in the process.

"Well fuck me then. This can easily turn into 'try to bone Saber instead of helping the brown guy find his lotion' "Archer, making the quote unquote gestures.

"Naw! Don't worry about bae!" Gilgamesh flung his arms forward to make him look fag. "I promise to get you some lotion."

"Whitening lotion."

"Yes, whitening lotion!"

"Pinky swear?" the brown guy offered his little finger.

"Fine." Gilgamesh shook the finger with his hand.

* * *

"We're here!" the two were greeted by the familiar wall surrounding the residence. The wall itself was rather tall, but given that the two have been scaling it for so long, a certain spot had formed dents enough for them to hold on to.

"Now remember your promise." Archer lightly threatened his friend before scaling the wall.

"I will!" he whined.

After getting over the wall, they still had to unlock the back door, which was usually open. Fortunately, it was, so they crept their way in like routine.

"So where's the lotion?" Archer loudly whispered.

"The bathroom dumbass. Ever heard of one?"

"WHY YOU..!"

The loud noise of tumbling, and the grunting of two men were enough for Saber to get up from her couch and investigate. She sighed at the sight she witnessed. Gilgamesh was defending himself from Archer with an umbrella.

"Look what you did! You blew our cover." Gilgamesh slapped the back of Archer's head.

"Bu-"

"All because you couldn't handle banter."

"Gilgamesh came here to fuck you!" Archer suddenly blurted out, further infuriating Saber.

"W-well Archer dragged me here for whitening lotion!"

"What the actual fuck are you two talking about?" Saber helped them from the ground.

"You're not... Calling the cops?" asked Archer.

"No."

"Oh thank God."

The room filled with silence.

"Make yourselves at home then. But fuck off my lotion, fuck off me." Saber glared at Gilgamesh.

The two sat on the couch all tense, knowing that what they want, and came here for is now way out of reach.

"What do we do now?" Archer asked Gilgamesh, who stared blankly into space.

"Simple. You. Fucking. Ask. To. Go. To. THE BATHROOM!"

"Right!" Archer felt dumb. "Saber, can I use the bathroom here?"

"You're not a little kid. Why ask?"

Archer proceeded to the bathroom with his head down, knowing full that he got dissed by a girl. Then he remembered what he came for and scoured the medicine cabinet.

"Nope" he said to himself as he closed the cabinet full of Kiritsugu's medication. "Where is it!?"

Meanwhile, Gilgamesh was left in the living room with Saber.

"No."

"I haven't even said anything yet!"

"I know what you're gonna say. 'Let's fuck, Saber!'" she mocked.

"Oh come on! That's not even how I sound like!"

"Nope, your sound exactly like that."

"Why are you always this mean!" Gilgamesh whined.

"I'm not mean." she replied coldly.

"This argument is pointless. Imma watch TV."

"Say. Archer's been in the bathroom for quite some time now." Saber pointed out.

"I'll go check on him."

Gilgamesh made his way to the bathroom that contained his brown buddy and knocked.

"What's taking you do long!?" he whispered through the door.

"I can't find the lotion!" he replied.

"Well maybe it's not in this bathroom."

The door sudden opened. "Not... In this bathroom?" Archer wanted to cry. The time he spent digging through Kiritsugu's stuff was time well wasted. "The shit I found there, will forever be tattooed in my mind."

When Archer left the bathroom, the scene Gilgamesh saw was only half what Archer witnessed. Only God can tell the contents of a sharpie blacked out magazine laying thankfully, pages down.

After that, Gilgamesh made his way back to the couch and sat beside a mentally scarred Archer.

"What now?" Archer turned to his blond friend.

"I'll check the bathroom upstairs for you buddy." Gilgamesh got up and patted his shoulder.

He made his way upstairs and entered the other bathroom. Unlike the other one, this one reeked of feminine scents that made Gilgamesh hard.

…what.

First was first. The medicine cabinet. There, he found perfume and random face care products. Then he looked around some more until he got distracted.

"Fuck it. I HAVE to fap here!"

"You know, you two seem to have a thing for taking too long in the bathroom." Saber stated.

"Whoa now. Are you accusing us for something?" Archer stopped eating his popcorn and looked over to Saber.

"No. But why do you two take so long?"

"... "

Saber lifted an eyebrow in suspicion.

"We're not trying to take your lotion!" Archer spilled it out.

"What?"

"What?"

"Oh. I don't have whitening lotion! I was just fucking with you guys!"

The room went silent, then was slowly filled with sobbing.

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**I hope you guys enjoyed reading it! Thanks for doing so! It would help me a lot if you left a kind review! **

**May your color be ever in the rainbow, **

**Skittows **


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